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Posted by: | Posted on: January 14, 2019

Does Marriage Mean Suffering Through A Lot of Horrible Years?

Does Marriage Mean Suffering Through A Lot of Horrible Years?

As a longtime reader of your blog, I know you’re a proponent of good marriages as opposed to marrying solely for the sake of not being alone.

I was recently watching a late night show on which Michelle Obama appeared and said, “If you’re married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you’re doing really good! Anybody would take those odds.”

Should anybody *really* take those odds, though?

Is it simply being realistic, as the former First Lady suggests, to expect a “horrible” year or two here and there sprinkled throughout a lifelong partnership?

If not, is it possible to assess at 2-3 years into a relationship whether or not that “horrible” year is right around the corner?

Perhaps even worse, is it a thing that the first 40 years could be blissful and the next 10 a total nightmare? And if either of those circumstances were to happen in a relationship, what should the partners do?

Thanks, Evan!

Jen

Really great question, Jen. I’m glad you asked it.

I think this is as good a time to point out that the way I feel about relationships is different than the way most people feel about relationships.

Most people:  “Relationships take work!”

Evan:  “Good relationships are easy. If it’s not easy, it’s not a good relationship.”

Most people:  “Couples fight all the time. It’s normal.”

Evan:  “Unhealthy couples fight all the time. Healthy couples fight a lot less — and a lot quieter.”

Most people:  “You should stay together through thick and thin because you made a vow.”

Evan:  “If your relationship is draining you and is not supporting your happiness, what exactly is it for?”

When I say these things, people sit up and pay attention for multiple reasons.

I don’t know anybody else who preaches the …