Evan Marc Katz

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Posted by: | Posted on: April 16, 2019

(Video) The Reason You Attract Men Who Treat You Poorly

(Video) The Reason You Attract Men Who Treat You Poorly

At this point I hope you’ve had the chance to read the Love U Pyramid of Love.

Many of you wrote back to tell me how much those lessons resonated – and how painful it is to look back at all the crap you’ve put up with from men.

But there’s a big difference between realizing you’ve acted insecure in the past and understanding how to correct that behavior in the future.

That’s what I’m here for.

And what I love about my readers is that you are not shy about asking me to address what’s on your mind the most: how to identify good men and get rid of bad ones. Recent emails to me include:

  • How do you decipher the men that are looking for a real relationship vs. the ones looking for a one-night stand?
  • How can I be sure the man that comes on strong is a man is not a player and wants to build a relationship?
  • Why didn’t he felt connected with me since he showed signs of being in love?
  • What makes men commit to some women and not others?
  • How do you know when you’ve met the “right” guy?

Believe it or not, there are answers to all of these questions – and I’m going to share them shortly.

But I’ve gotta tell you: as a dating coach, I probably do the same thing that you do every day: observe common patterns and try to make sense of them.

Doctors do this. Lawyers do this. Finance people do this. Teachers do this. Dog trainers do this. We look for behavioral patterns and adjust to them.

Tell me if this pattern sounds familiar to you:

You fall for a guy based on chemistry and common interests.

He makes a great effort to …

Posted by: | Posted on: April 15, 2019

The Love U Pyramid of Love

The Love U Pyramid of Love

I don’t know about you, but I’m a lifelong learner.

My wife even mentioned it in our wedding vows – I’m the guy who is always trying to become a better husband, father, coach, businessman, and human being.

As such, I’ve embraced the idea that learning is a process – often, a slow and humbling one.

  •      You have to learn to put your face in the water before you become a competitive swimmer.
  •      You have to practice your scales before you can play a song on the piano.
  •      You have to study for the LSAT before you become a partner at the law firm.

None of this is surprising. You start with a limited base of knowledge, and, through repeated practice, build your skills up accordingly.

In the late ‘60’s, this learning process was described as “the four stages of competence”:

  1.    Unconscious incompetence – “you don’t know what you don’t know.”
  2.    Conscious incompetence – you know what you don’t know, but aren’t sure how   to do it.
  3.    Conscious competence – you know how to do it, but the skill requires      concentration and commitment.

When you’re consciously competent, you can legitimately call yourself a swimmer, a pianist or a lawyer. However, there’s one more phase of competence for those who aim higher.

  1.    Unconscious competence – your skill is second nature and do it without thinking.

If you’ve been at your job for over ten years, you’re probably “unconsciously competent” at it. As a dating coach for the past fifteen years, I’d like to think that describes me as well.

If you’ve been at your job for over ten years, you’re probably “unconsciously competent” at it. As a dating coach for the past fifteen years, I’d like to think that describes me as well.

But could I be a swimmer, pianist …

Posted by: | Posted on: April 8, 2019

Am I Single Because I Won’t Have Sex?

Am I Single Because I Won’t Have Sex?


As a teenager, I bought into the whole religious reasons thing to not have sex. Early in college, I considered having sex with my long term boyfriend at the time; however, this relationship abruptly turned abusive and crashed and burned, which made me grateful I’d hesitated.

But nearly ten years later, my dating life is nonexistent. I can barely get a guy to look at me, much less give me the time of day. I hate how desperate I feel and seem to be in wanting a relationship and know that I should be happy with what I do have in life (but when has that ever placated anyone?).

It’s been occurring to me lately that maybe it’s due to the fact that I still haven’t had and am reluctant to have sex. Is this something guys can just read off of me? Is it a turn off? Could this maybe even explain why I have such an abysmal time dating?

Krissy

I’m sorry that religion impacted your view of sex. I’m sorry that your abusive relationship soured you further. Your reaction to those situations is somewhat normal — if you view sex as problematic, your defense mechanism protects you from men and sex. It also protects you from men and love.

Understand, men look for sex in the process of looking for love. A guy can decide if he’s open to sleeping with you in 2 seconds; he’ll probably take closer to a month to figure out if he wants to be your boyfriend and a few years to figure out if he wants to be your husband. This is normal, too, not behavior to be judged or shamed.

I’ve answered a number of questions from virgins over the years and I’ve always tried to be consistent — even …

Posted by: | Posted on: April 4, 2019

What Men Think About #MeToo

What Men Think About #MeToo

Back in October, I shared this New York Times article about 8 men who confessed to sexually harassing or assaulting women.

Today, I want you to consider this follow-up – reader letters to the Times about #MeToo. They are all across the board in terms of agreement and dissent. I’ve taken the liberty to share some of the statements that echo my feelings about this confusing time.

“I know I’ve said things that created discomfort, embarrassment and shame for girls and women that I knew in school, at work and in public. Most of this occurred in my teen years and early 20s. I’m guessing that my frontal cortex began to operate in my mid-20s and I began to behave like a decent adult. I became a better man. But I was part of the problem. I am sorry.” – Michael

Human attitudes toward differences between the sexes did not emerge solely from the misguided ideas of ancestral social architects

“Human attitudes toward differences between the sexes did not emerge solely from the misguided ideas of ancestral social architects, as Mr. Yancy implies in his essay. They are the byproducts of natural selection among primates. We are still waking up to the realization that historically acceptable practices by men are truly abysmal in a moral society, which means we have generations of counter-evolutionary education before us until we can realistically expect permanent change. In the meantime, we need to be cautious about assigning blame and be patient while men right themselves, lest we find our nation even more divided by men falsely claiming victimhood.” – GBarry

“There can be no question, ever, that the victims suffer more than the perpetrators. However, if we are to make any significant progress on this monumental societal problem, the  perpetrators  must learn to

Posted by: | Posted on: March 21, 2019

Is Evan Marc Katz’s Marriage Sad and Uninspiring?

Is Evan Marc Katz’s Marriage Sad and Uninspiring?

I’m well-aware that criticism comes with the territory of writing for the internet. The fact that there are 130,000 comments on my blog should be a decent indicator of how much dissent I allow (pretty much everything except personal insults). I also know that it would be impossible for any reader to have a full understanding of my marriage; it’s all mediated through blog posts, videos, etc. But since I use my marriage as an example of the kind of marriage I wish for you to have, I believe it’s fair for you to want to know whether I’m some sort of bullshit artist or a guy who actually walks his own walk.

And while  I haven’t done this for a long time, an individual comment on this recent blog post just rubbed me the wrong way. Since I couldn’t shake the feeling, I figured this would be a great opportunity to explain myself to anyone who may have the same perceptions as this reader about me and my “uninspiring” marriage.

And, by “explain myself,” I mean, I brought in my wife to directly address each of the partially-true, partially misguided claims below. She’s more diplomatic than I am but I do love that she comes out swinging.

“V” writes:

“I fear I must say what many other women are afraid to say and it’s that you don’t come off as good husband material initially either. I think you can not see this about yourself and only see what a super great catch you are.

– You spoke about how you had about 300 dates in 10 years; sorry but according to the math that’s only about 2 dates a month; low numbers. I bring that up because

– You said you Never had a relationship last longer than

Posted by: | Posted on: January 24, 2019

Why You Must STOP Texting As Your Primary Form of Communication

Why You Must STOP Texting As Your Primary Form of Communication

I’ve gotten a lot of flak on YouTube for my No More Bad Dates TEDx Talk, in which I lay out my keenly observed theories that:

  1. Most people’s online dating profiles suck.
  2. Men get rejected more than you can possibly imagine.
  3. Because of this high rejection rate, they’re disincentivized from spending a lot of time on each individual woman.
  4. As such, men want “speed” – to spend as little time as possible on phone/email/text and meet in person to see if there’s chemistry, preferably without spending money.
  5. This system is not good for women – who deserve to have a man make some time and energy investment before meeting him for a first date – lest she go on an endless series of blind coffee dates with swipe-right guys on Tinder.
  6. Because men and women have slightly different goals, there needs to be a middle ground where men can move quickly AND women can screen for trust and comfort.
  7. The best way to do this is outlined in Finding the One Online, Volume 4 and is called the 2/2/2 Rule – a couple emails back and forth on the dating site, a couple emails back and forth on Gmail, a couple of phone calls (or even just one), followed by a date. That ensures a real personal connection BEFORE you meet and makes a first date feel more like a second date.

2/2/2 is designed to AVOID TEXTING because texting is the death of healthy communication.

Unmentioned in all of that is this: 2/2/2 is designed to AVOID TEXTING because texting is the death of healthy communication. This is not some old, married, luddite position; this is literally what I hear from thousands of women who have text-only “boyfriends” and who have all their serious relationship discussions by …

Posted by: | Posted on: January 17, 2019

When Women Try To Control Men Out of Fear

When Women Try To Control Men Out of Fear

 

As a dating coach for smart, strong, successful women, I am well aware of the myriad problems you have with men.

How they sleep with you without commitment.

How they seem like they’re into you but they’re not.

How they communicate by only text.

How they are always attracted to other women and often cheat.

How they can be critical, abusive, and selfish.

How they can date you forever without wanting to get married.

No one is arguing this. But the only advice for handling one these guys is to leave and find a guy who treats you better. Really. There’s nothing else to say.

But because of the existence of men like this, women often feel like they have to be on high alert.  To scrutinize his behavior. To protect your heart. To guard yourself from wasting time.

That’s where you end up with articles like this.

It’s a  completely cringeworthy list of 22 rules some young woman set for her boyfriend, including:

You are not to look at a single girl.

You are not allowed to drink unless I am with you.

You are never to take longer than 10 minutes to text me back.

Good grief.

The only thing surprising to me is the title,  “Controlling Girl Set 22 Rules For Her Boyfriend, So The Internet Gave Him Some Surprising Advice.”

It’s surprising that the internet told a man to dump a woman who treats him like a prisoner? Really? Is that how far we’ve come in our gender wars?

It’s surprising that the internet told a man to dump a woman who treats him like a prisoner? Really? Is that how far we’ve come in our gender wars?

Women who support women like this are like those who support our president knowing all of this

Posted by: | Posted on: December 17, 2018

Why Would a Man Dump the “Woman of His Dreams”?

Why Would a Man Dump the “Woman of His Dreams”?

I just read your post on emotionally unavailable men.

Mine is a weird story but I’m thinking now that my guy falls into this category. He broke up with me over text, first of all. We’re both in our later years so this, in my opinion, is very rude at any age.

He came on strong at first, started betting busy with his life, then texted me he can no longer date as his 17 year old is going through issues that he would not discuss. He said something about depression and suicide counseling.

We had only dated for 3 months and I get the issues but he claimed to love me and that I was the “woman of his dreams”.

My question is would you dump the girl of your dreams if your life got hard and your kid needed some guidance and support? I would have expected some down time but dumped? I got a sweet card that said nice things about being in his heart and I ran into him the other day and he seemed sad but I just don’t get it. Am I being selfish? Was he simply emotionally unavailable or is this a normal response?

Eve

I’m sorry you’re hurting, Eve. Getting unceremoniously dumped is an awful feeling and receiving the news by text certainly doesn’t make it any better.

However, I would encourage you to step back from this situation — as I’m attempting to — and refrain from making it about you for a second.

This is what dating coaching is all about — stepping out of your own shoes and attempting to understand the thoughts and behaviors of someone else.

I don’t know your ex from Adam, but then, I’m not sure I need to, given this one piece of information: …

Posted by: | Posted on: December 13, 2018

The Best Way to Stop Your Relationship From Getting Stale

The Best Way to Stop Your Relationship From Getting Stale

 

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” It’s a cliche for a reason.

We take for granted the things and people we see every day and we deeply crave what most of us cannot have regularly: a new car, an amazing massage, a fancy vacation.

The problem is that to be in a happy marriage, you need to put the marriage first. People who travel all the time are not great relationship partners. People who communicate exclusively by text are not great relationship partners. You need daily touch points, conversations and regular in-person meetings. Consistency matters a lot.

But what happens when you have too much consistency and too much togetherness? Things can get a bit too familiar, too routine and too stale. Suddenly, your relationship is in a rut, even though you have done nothing “wrong” to cause it.

Sophia Benoit of  GQ has a cure for this.

“Stop spending so much time with your partner. This isn’t novel advice. Everyone understands that when you’re in a relationship you should “have your own life.” But I’m suggesting a more aggressive, or purposeful, separation. If you usually spend every weeknight together, try to have a week where you make plans with friends for at least two or three nights. Volunteer to stay late at work. Help your stepdad build a deck. Tackle tasks you hate and luxuriate in ones you love. Orchestrate distance.”

This does not mean going dark for a few days.  This does not mean playing games. This does not mean you pull away from your partner in any way, shape or form.

Actively pushing yourself to behave the way you behaved when you were single–i.e. agreeing to go out to an awful, loud, crowded bar, or saying yes to your outdoorsy-friend’s annual camping trip–is a good

Posted by: | Posted on: December 10, 2018

What Do I Say to a Guy on the Phone If I Don’t Want to Go Out With Him?

What Do I Say to a Guy on the Phone If I Don’t Want to Go Out With Him?

Hi Evan, I follow your 2-2-2 rule, which is great, but I’ve had a couple of awkward moments and need your advice: during the screening phone call, if it’s not going well and I decide I don’t want to meet in person, how do I tell the guy without hurting his feelings?? Especially if he thinks the call is going well and suggests a date!

Gabrielle

If you’re not a longtime reader or a Finding the One Online consumer, the 2/2/2 Rule means I encourage you to exchange a couple of emails on the dating site, a couple of emails on Gmail and a couple of phone calls before meeting for a first date.

I discourage swiping. I discourage coffee dates. I discourage texting.

All of those common dating methods treat people as if they’re disposable and lead to more flakiness, less screening prior to meeting  and higher volume/lower quality first dates.

The common pushback is that apps make it impossible to do this, people don’t like email, the phone is stilted, everyone uses texting, and it’s best to meet as quickly as possible.

Those are all partially valid excuses for continuing the swipe/text/meet method so I will say, once and for all, that if you LIKE dating this way, keep on doing your thing.

I didn’t and pretty much all my clients hate swipe/text/meet, and yet they don’t do a thing about it.

The 2/2/2 Rule is my best advice — and while it can be modified (say, 5/3/1), the principle of making a connection on the dating site, avoiding being part of a guy’s texting harem and building excitement and trust before meeting remains paramount.

Anyway, I’ve written a longer defense of the 2/2/Rule here and don’t need to do it again.

To answer Gabrielle’s question, I think …