dating advice Evan Marc Katz
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In one of your videos you mentioned that while men like women who show interest on the first date, while women prefer men who leave them guessing a little bit about their interest level. I totally agree!
I grew up a very shy and insecure kid. I’m now in my 30’s, quite attractive, and overall a confident woman, but I still tend to be a little on the reserved side when meeting people in person for the first time. A few men (who I was interested in and whose company I was enjoying) have even mentioned on or after first dates that they didn’t think I was interested in them.
I smile. I ask them about themselves. I say thank you and that I had a good time at the end of the date. But a guy friend of mine pointed out that in his experience, women who don’t want to see him do these things too. He said that there is so much rejection on the guy’s end of dating and it gets really disheartening. Understandable.
Part of me thinks that if it’s really the right person with the instant chemistry I really want (yes, I know, I know, I’m aware of your teachings on instant chemistry) this won’t be an issue. Another part of me realizes there have been good men who may have shied away from asking me on another date because they didn’t think I’d say yes, and I could definitely stand to be a bit more flirtatious. But another part of me remembers reading your Why He Disappeared e-book and doesn’t want to be too eager and drive him away.
Any quick first date tips for those of us who aren’t natural flirts?
Love this question, April, because it’s thoughtful, it’s universal, …
Like Meghan Daum, Heather Havrilesky is another author and Facebook friend whom I haven’t met yet. She, too, is a Duke graduate from the 90’s as well as a noted advice columnist, and I’ll be the first to admit that she’s probably better than I am.
Not because she’s spent fifteen years studying dating and relationship dynamics like a I have, but because she’s one helluva writer with a uniquely powerful voice who puts WAY more thought into her blistering columns than I do with mine.
I could pull any one of her Ask Polly diatribes she writes for New York Magazine, but this one, entitled, “Why Don’t Men I Date Ever Truly Love Me?” really struck a chord.
Not only is the question – from a woman who is liked but never loved by her boyfriends – a well-written one, but Havrilesky’s answer gives me goosebumps in its fierce clarity.
“There’s nothing wrong with you… You’re probably attracting a wider swath of men than is good for you. They aren’t self-selecting themselves out of contention, because you seem perfectly healthy and reasonable. If you seemed impatient or intolerant, you might slough off some of the wishy-washy slackers in the mix. If you were a little temperamental, you might lose all but the most fervent admirers. Instead, you are healthy and sane and no one will object to being a team, and when you hit month 18 you’ll (very wisely) assess the situation with your therapist: “Welp, he’s either going to pop the question or hit the road, and I need to be fully emotionally prepared for either eventuality.”
This reminds me of my wife – a woman who is so happy and even-tempered that she could always get men to date her, but was so happy and even-tempered …