dating advice

now browsing by category

 
Posted by: | Posted on: April 16, 2019

(Video) The Reason You Attract Men Who Treat You Poorly

(Video) The Reason You Attract Men Who Treat You Poorly

At this point I hope you’ve had the chance to read the Love U Pyramid of Love.

Many of you wrote back to tell me how much those lessons resonated – and how painful it is to look back at all the crap you’ve put up with from men.

But there’s a big difference between realizing you’ve acted insecure in the past and understanding how to correct that behavior in the future.

That’s what I’m here for.

And what I love about my readers is that you are not shy about asking me to address what’s on your mind the most: how to identify good men and get rid of bad ones. Recent emails to me include:

  • How do you decipher the men that are looking for a real relationship vs. the ones looking for a one-night stand?
  • How can I be sure the man that comes on strong is a man is not a player and wants to build a relationship?
  • Why didn’t he felt connected with me since he showed signs of being in love?
  • What makes men commit to some women and not others?
  • How do you know when you’ve met the “right” guy?

Believe it or not, there are answers to all of these questions – and I’m going to share them shortly.

But I’ve gotta tell you: as a dating coach, I probably do the same thing that you do every day: observe common patterns and try to make sense of them.

Doctors do this. Lawyers do this. Finance people do this. Teachers do this. Dog trainers do this. We look for behavioral patterns and adjust to them.

Tell me if this pattern sounds familiar to you:

You fall for a guy based on chemistry and common interests.

He makes a great effort to …

Posted by: | Posted on: April 15, 2019

The Love U Pyramid of Love

The Love U Pyramid of Love

I don’t know about you, but I’m a lifelong learner.

My wife even mentioned it in our wedding vows – I’m the guy who is always trying to become a better husband, father, coach, businessman, and human being.

As such, I’ve embraced the idea that learning is a process – often, a slow and humbling one.

  •      You have to learn to put your face in the water before you become a competitive swimmer.
  •      You have to practice your scales before you can play a song on the piano.
  •      You have to study for the LSAT before you become a partner at the law firm.

None of this is surprising. You start with a limited base of knowledge, and, through repeated practice, build your skills up accordingly.

In the late ‘60’s, this learning process was described as “the four stages of competence”:

  1.    Unconscious incompetence – “you don’t know what you don’t know.”
  2.    Conscious incompetence – you know what you don’t know, but aren’t sure how   to do it.
  3.    Conscious competence – you know how to do it, but the skill requires      concentration and commitment.

When you’re consciously competent, you can legitimately call yourself a swimmer, a pianist or a lawyer. However, there’s one more phase of competence for those who aim higher.

  1.    Unconscious competence – your skill is second nature and do it without thinking.

If you’ve been at your job for over ten years, you’re probably “unconsciously competent” at it. As a dating coach for the past fifteen years, I’d like to think that describes me as well.

If you’ve been at your job for over ten years, you’re probably “unconsciously competent” at it. As a dating coach for the past fifteen years, I’d like to think that describes me as well.

But could I be a swimmer, pianist …

Posted by: | Posted on: April 1, 2019

My Boyfriend Has Cheated on Me a Bunch of Times. Should I Marry Him?

My Boyfriend Has Cheated on Me a Bunch of Times. Should I Marry Him?

I am a 46-year-old, twice divorced, mother of 3, dating a man with whom I had a serious relationship in my 20’s.

Back then, I ended the relationship because I never trusted him (he was somewhat of a player, 8 years older, while I was a naive law student who had had one previous relationship) and although we were very compatible and I loved him very much, I did not see a future with him.

After my 2nd divorce, I reached out to him; we chatted for hours and made a date to meet up for dinner and drinks. That date lasted 7 hours, we both felt an immediate re-connection, and I had this amazing feeling that we had both grown up and were ready to be in a more mature relationship.

The first several months were great; we had many fun dates and became intimate within the first month. There were some red flags early on, like when I asked if he was seeing anyone else and he laughed it off — I thought he was saying my question was ridiculous — after all, he had already told me he loved me.

Turns out, I was wrong. Five months into the relationship, I learned that he had been dating someone very seriously immediately before we started dating, that he was not over her when we started dating, and in fact had tried to get back together with her nearly 3 months after we started dating (she said no).

Also, he had a female “friend” (the former best friend of the aforementioned serious girlfriend) who he spent an inordinate amount of time with (and actually lied to me about sleeping at her house) but insisted there was nothing going on with her.

It made me uneasy but he continued to

Posted by: | Posted on: March 28, 2019

Why Men Think They Want Smart Women But Really Don’t

Why Men Think They Want Smart Women But Really Don’t

Jenna Birch interviewed me again for Shape Magazine and Yahoo Health in 2015, and I was delighted to learn that she wrote a book called “The Love Gap: A Radical Way to Win in Life and Love.” I can’t vouch for the book itself but I really love this excerpt I read on Psychology Today and wanted to share it with you.

“After looking into  the mating preferences of more  than 5,000 men and women  by way of survey, researcher and biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, Ph.D., writes that we are seeing a “Clooney Effect” in this country – a nod to the recent marriage of America’s favorite bachelor, actor George Clooney, to human rights lawyer Amal Alamuddin. According to Fisher’s numbers, men desire smart, strong, successful women; 87 percent of men said they would date a woman who was more  intellectual than they were, who was better educated, and who made  considerably more money than they  did, while  86  percent said they  were in search of a woman who was confident and self-assured.”

Sounds all well and good. Except, as you know, there’s a gap between what men say they want in theory and what they actually want in practice.

“Men only  think  they know what they want – or they know what they want in theory, not what they’d choose when put to the test IRL. “Men seem to be influenced less by their ideal partner preferences and more by their emotions or feelings at the moment,” she says. “Specifically, when men were outperformed by a woman in a domain that they cared about – intelligence – they felt threatened,  assessed by diminished self-ratings of masculinity, which then led them to act in a way counter to what their expressed ideal preferences were.” In other words, these guys

Posted by: | Posted on: March 25, 2019

Should I Ask My Boyfriend to See a Therapist for His Issues?

Should I Ask My Boyfriend to See a Therapist for His Issues?

I am a 25-year old woman living in North Carolina. I’ve been with my loving, consistent boyfriend (also 25) for a year now and I’ve been impressed with how easy and natural the relationship is. We live separately but see each other at least 2-3x/week and have keys to each other’s places. However, we spent the holidays together this year and it’s become apparent his family and childhood issues still haunt him.

His parent’s awful marriage and a genetic predisposition for mental illness left him in bad shape. I have no room to judge as the anxious child of a bitter divorce, but after 3 years of therapy and dozens of self help books I know I’ve done my part to become a healthy person and partner. He went to therapy as a child and a few times in college, but since then hasn’t been back.

Even though he has always been emotionally available, some of his habits make me want to ask him to see a therapist. He gets jealous even though he’s never been cheated on, and if he has one too many beers, feelings and tears usually follow. He often agonizes over what people think of him and will go to events he doesn’t even like so friends won’t be upset (and expects me to attend). When I ask him why he’s like this, he’s very self aware and explains to me how he’s feeling and why he feels that way. For example, he has jealousy issues from witnessing his father’s affairs growing up.

I love him and want to accept him as he is, but is it fair to ask him to go to therapy and at least try to work through these issues? If so, how can I approach the subject without making him feel

Posted by: | Posted on: March 18, 2019

How Can I Ever Let a Man Get Close to Me Again?

How Can I Ever Let a Man Get Close to Me Again?


I am shattered from bad relationships. I’ve just finished my seventh long term relationship and I’m only 37.

The man before this last one died unfortunately from cancer and left me with a newborn baby. I took nearly four years to pull myself together after this and then met a man online.

I followed all of your advice and I thought I had found the greatest man. He was charming, kind, considerate, a gentleman and happy to take myself and my son on.

It was next to perfect for a year and then it started to change. He started to make little mean comments about my son which got to me. For example, his ears stuck out or what kind of genes does he have when he was old one day.

I started to worry about this and I talked to him and he said he would stop. However then I realized he was telling me small little white lies but I soon found out he was telling big ones too.

I’ve finished it with him after a year and five months. I’m absolutely deflated. I thought it was finally my time to marry again have another child. I thought it was coming together for me with a wonderful caring man.

I see now he’s a narcissist who was manipulating me. I could only see his good points at the beginning. Luckily, I took on your advice not to make a massive commitment with a man until I know him a year. I had not let him move in with me thankfully.

Evan, I’m shattered from relationships. I just don’t know how I could ever let another man in after the lies and deception. He was so good and kind to my son in the beginning and then it suddenly

Posted by: | Posted on: August 27, 2018

I Followed Your Dating Advice for the First Time and WOW!

I Followed Your Dating Advice for the First Time and WOW!

I am a long time reader. I am a tall, educated, beyond athletic, attractive woman who is successful and age 42. I entered college to get my higher level degrees later in life, and my classmates assumed I was in my 20s (whilst in my late 30s) and I was asked out often by them (Just painting a picture. While looks are not everything, I volunteer with children and animals, my degree is higher level medical, I am into sci fi, nerdy things, and all kinds of music. I have my life together.) I am told by friends and family I am the ultimate catch. I am open to all kinds of people and not judgmental.

Up until recently, I did NOT follow your advice.

I was married in my 20s up until age 30, and that fell apart for the reasons marriage typically do. For the last twelve years, I’ve navigated the online dating battlefield. I have gone on more coffee “dates” than a human should go on. I probably have you beat.

I am not one to get physical right away (I need to know the person), but I’ve had my share like others of meeting people who have lied about their marital status, and hid lifestyles that were dealbreakers for me. n one way–that’s flattering. They wanted me so badly they lied.

In the last ten years  I have been proposed to SIX times. Every person that I allowed into my life was high passion, high fireball energy with immediate “high drunk on love” feelings that escalated into an insta-relationship immediately.

I never saw someone proposing to me in the first  week in as a red flag (now I do). All of these relationships ended in a supernova.

I would fall in love fast