Communication

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Posted by: | Posted on: April 11, 2019

I Want My Boyfriend to Show Me More Support and Affection

I Want My Boyfriend to Show Me More Support and Affection

It’s generally not my style to link to other  advice columnists, but my friend, Lori Gottlieb, author of the new book,“Maybe You Should Talk to Someone”  does such an incredible job that it feels like a dereliction of duty to keep her to myself.

In this post from her Ask a Therapist column in The Atlantic, Gottlieb takes a question from a woman who has a three-year relationship with a man who is not as emotionally supportive and affectionate as she’d like. A snippet:

“Recently, I’ve also been dealing with feelings of anxiety, loneliness, and depression and have been reaching out to him for support. He’s worried, and tells me he wants to help but doesn’t know how. It does mean a lot to know he wants to help, but I want him to figure out how best to support me–both because I would love if he were more solicitous and because it would reduce his stress as a partner to someone in need.

How do we address this issue in a positive, active way? Do you have specific advice you could give him on being a supportive partner to somebody in an emotional crisis?”

Here are some of the highlights of Gottlieb’s response:

One thing I tell many couples when they first come in for therapy is that the more one person believes that his or her partner should be different, the less initiative he or she will take to change things. Most people come in making a case for why the other person needs to improve. Spoiler: That never helps…

Of course, you want your boyfriend’s love and support, but what I think you can’t see right now is that he’s giving you both: He’s checking in on you, sharing his concern, and asking you

Posted by: | Posted on: March 25, 2019

Should I Ask My Boyfriend to See a Therapist for His Issues?

Should I Ask My Boyfriend to See a Therapist for His Issues?

I am a 25-year old woman living in North Carolina. I’ve been with my loving, consistent boyfriend (also 25) for a year now and I’ve been impressed with how easy and natural the relationship is. We live separately but see each other at least 2-3x/week and have keys to each other’s places. However, we spent the holidays together this year and it’s become apparent his family and childhood issues still haunt him.

His parent’s awful marriage and a genetic predisposition for mental illness left him in bad shape. I have no room to judge as the anxious child of a bitter divorce, but after 3 years of therapy and dozens of self help books I know I’ve done my part to become a healthy person and partner. He went to therapy as a child and a few times in college, but since then hasn’t been back.

Even though he has always been emotionally available, some of his habits make me want to ask him to see a therapist. He gets jealous even though he’s never been cheated on, and if he has one too many beers, feelings and tears usually follow. He often agonizes over what people think of him and will go to events he doesn’t even like so friends won’t be upset (and expects me to attend). When I ask him why he’s like this, he’s very self aware and explains to me how he’s feeling and why he feels that way. For example, he has jealousy issues from witnessing his father’s affairs growing up.

I love him and want to accept him as he is, but is it fair to ask him to go to therapy and at least try to work through these issues? If so, how can I approach the subject without making him feel

Posted by: | Posted on: January 24, 2019

Why You Must STOP Texting As Your Primary Form of Communication

Why You Must STOP Texting As Your Primary Form of Communication

I’ve gotten a lot of flak on YouTube for my No More Bad Dates TEDx Talk, in which I lay out my keenly observed theories that:

  1. Most people’s online dating profiles suck.
  2. Men get rejected more than you can possibly imagine.
  3. Because of this high rejection rate, they’re disincentivized from spending a lot of time on each individual woman.
  4. As such, men want “speed” – to spend as little time as possible on phone/email/text and meet in person to see if there’s chemistry, preferably without spending money.
  5. This system is not good for women – who deserve to have a man make some time and energy investment before meeting him for a first date – lest she go on an endless series of blind coffee dates with swipe-right guys on Tinder.
  6. Because men and women have slightly different goals, there needs to be a middle ground where men can move quickly AND women can screen for trust and comfort.
  7. The best way to do this is outlined in Finding the One Online, Volume 4 and is called the 2/2/2 Rule – a couple emails back and forth on the dating site, a couple emails back and forth on Gmail, a couple of phone calls (or even just one), followed by a date. That ensures a real personal connection BEFORE you meet and makes a first date feel more like a second date.

2/2/2 is designed to AVOID TEXTING because texting is the death of healthy communication.

Unmentioned in all of that is this: 2/2/2 is designed to AVOID TEXTING because texting is the death of healthy communication. This is not some old, married, luddite position; this is literally what I hear from thousands of women who have text-only “boyfriends” and who have all their serious relationship discussions by …

Posted by: | Posted on: October 4, 2018

5 Easy Ways to Make People Like You More

5 Easy Ways to Make People Like You More

 

Vanessa Van Edwards does YouTube videos and articles about charisma on her website, The Science of People.  I ran across this one  and thought it was applicable to dating.

It’s basically 5 ways to make people like you more. They’re all common sense, but, as we know, common sense tends to take a back seat when it comes to discussing dating, attraction and gender dynamics.

1. Use Signaling – in other words, show people you like them!   As a dating coach for women, I’m always struck by how foreign a concept this is. Women are told to play hard to get and are prone to acting shy around guys they like, both of which diminish their chance of making a real connection. Says the article:  “We are so afraid people won’t like us back that we don’t show we like them at all.”

2. We Like People Who Like Us –    The moment we know someone likes us, we like them more too.  Why? There is no risk of social rejection. If we know they like us, we don’t have any risk in liking them back. And subconsciously, if someone likes us, we think, “Hey, they must have great taste!”

3. We Like People Who Are Like Us – it’s only one-word difference from the last bullet point but it verifies what you already know instinctively. “When it comes to instant likability, we tend to like people who have similar values to us, similar interests to us and look more like us.” That organically brings us to…

4. Highlight Similarities – people do this all the time online without even thinking about it. “You’re from New York? I’M from New York! You like skiing? I LOVE skiing!” etc. The author simply points out that if you …

Posted by: | Posted on: September 3, 2018

I’m Still Thinking About the Guy Who Ghosted Me

I’m Still Thinking About the Guy Who Ghosted Me

So, I was dating a guy for two months and things were going pretty great in my opinion! However, he started to do the slow fade after spending the night (no sex). I recognized what this was early on, and just let it be! He just wasn’t interested and there was nothing I could do about it. In responding back and forth  I let my efforts match his. I didn’t blow up his phone, did not get mad- I just let it be what it was. He’s a busy guy with a lot going on and so I knew that it was a possibility that he was simply overcommitted. However,  as the quote says, “No one is busier than someone who is ignoring you” and despite what my friends said, I didn’t chase him.

Well, instead of just staying away he came back and we went through  a month of these strange non-committal back-and-fourth text exchanges that would happen once a week. After the end of 3 weeks of this, he texted me telling that he was finally done with his commitments and ready to hang out in the near future. We started texting back and forth  like normal and decided on a day. I thought, maybe I was reading this whole thing wrong and he was just crazy busy. That would explain why he kept reaching back out. And then…nothing. I never heard from him again.

I have listened to your podcast and read your articles of why men ghost, but what does it mean when the ghost haunts? It does not make any sense Evan. You said that men do not play games, but am I crazy for feeling like my feelings have been played with? Maybe you can make more sense of this than I

Posted by: | Posted on: August 13, 2018

How Do You Respond if a Guy Disappears and Follows Up a Week Later?

How Do You Respond if a Guy Disappears and Follows Up a Week Later?

I know that, if a man isn’t reaching back out within a day or so of your last date, it’s because he doesn’t care to do so. However, when the guy sends a follow-up message 5-7 days later, what’s the best way to respond?

Thanks,

Ashleigh

I wrote about this at length in this post but I’ll summarize it here.

We are all someone’s second choice.

We are all someone’s second choice.

Unless you married the first guy you swiped right on, you, like the rest of us, have gone through hundreds, if not thousands of profiles.

There are good men and bad men. Honest men and shady men. Relationship-oriented men and player men. And you know what? Sometimes men can be BOTH once.

I can only speak for myself here, but there were times that I was perfectly content hooking up without commitment and there were times I was earnestly looking for love.

Furthermore, there were women that inspired me to want to commit, and other women who were cute enough for a fling but not girlfriend material in my mind.

This is not gender-specific, by the way.

So, to be your own dating coach, flip things around.

Have you ever been talking to three guys at once, had one that was your favorite, gone all-in on him and POOF, he disappeared or turned out to be a jerk?

If so, does that mean that you were “wrong” for choosing him? No. Does that mean that you were rude to focus your attentions on him as opposed to the other two guys? No. Does that mean that you are flaky or insensitive or not looking for love because your Plan A backfired on you? No. So if you went back to the two men after a week and said, …

Posted by: | Posted on: June 21, 2018

Speaking an Uncomfortable Truth – The Intellectual Dark Web

Speaking an Uncomfortable Truth – The Intellectual Dark Web

I know this is a site for dating and relationship advice – but it’s also a site where we tackle thorny issues in an untraditional manner for the love business – with a bias towards truth, rationality and big data rather than feelings.

If you haven’t noticed – or have been living under a rock – some of the brightest and most liberal thinkers in America have been tagged as racist, sexist and far-left heretics, simply for pointing out things that are observable.

If you haven’t noticed – or have been living under a rock – some of the brightest and most liberal thinkers in America have been tagged as racist, sexist and far-left heretics, simply for pointing out things that are observable.

I wrote about it here and am not doing it again any time soon. Instead, I wanted to use today’s post to share a worthwhile op-ed piece by New York Times Bari Weiss that has already made the rounds.  

It’s called “Meet the Renegades of the Intellectual Dark Web,” a term that is somewhere between “sad” and “tongue in cheek.” Really, it shouldn’t be newsworthy when a scientist points out that men and women are biologically different, that Islam has a unique terrorism problem or that the far left is eroding first amendment rights by shouting down any professor, author or comedian who dares to disagree with it.

If I were a public intellectual, I would love to be grouped in with the folks on this list, if only for the reasons Weiss describes here:

“They all share three distinct qualities. First, they are willing to disagree ferociously, but talk civilly, about nearly every meaningful subject: religion, abortion, immigration, the nature of consciousness. Second, in an age in which popular feelings about the way things

Posted by: | Posted on: June 14, 2018

Do You Envy People with Perfect Love Lives? You’re Not Alone

Do You Envy People with Perfect Love Lives? You’re Not Alone

Envy. It’s one of the 7 deadly sins, but I think it’s both the most pervasive and the one we’re the least in touch with. After all,  Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest are all massive platforms  dedicated to envy. In fact, most of us make no bones about openly coveting what other people have. The internet is basically just a huge vision board.

I’ve talked about the cost of comparing yourself to others – especially when it comes to love – but, according to this New York Times article by Gordon Marino, there is an upside to envy.  

That doesn’t mean that envy is good. It can be utterly corrosive to your soul, especially in large doses.

That doesn’t mean that envy is good. It can be utterly corrosive to your soul, especially in large doses.

Says Marino, “Aristotle described envy, not as benign desire for what someone else possesses but “as the pain caused by the good fortune of others.” Not surprisingly these pangs often give way to a feeling of malice.”

I’m pretty proud of what I’ve accomplished over here, but I will absolutely admit to my own schadenfreude – especially with people I’ve known personally who have surpassed me professionally. I’m looking at you, Matthew Hussey. Same with you, Tai Lopez.

But as Marino points out, weak moments like this are opportunities for learning.

“If Socrates was right and the unexamined life is not worth living, then surely we should examine our feelings to find what we  really  care about as opposed to what we would like to think we care about. And what better instrument for this kind of self-examination than envy, a feeling as honest as a punch.
For instance, I often find a reason to become angry with people I am envious of.