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I am a 46-year-old, twice divorced, mother of 3, dating a man with whom I had a serious relationship in my 20’s.
Back then, I ended the relationship because I never trusted him (he was somewhat of a player, 8 years older, while I was a naive law student who had had one previous relationship) and although we were very compatible and I loved him very much, I did not see a future with him.
After my 2nd divorce, I reached out to him; we chatted for hours and made a date to meet up for dinner and drinks. That date lasted 7 hours, we both felt an immediate re-connection, and I had this amazing feeling that we had both grown up and were ready to be in a more mature relationship.
The first several months were great; we had many fun dates and became intimate within the first month. There were some red flags early on, like when I asked if he was seeing anyone else and he laughed it off — I thought he was saying my question was ridiculous — after all, he had already told me he loved me.
Turns out, I was wrong. Five months into the relationship, I learned that he had been dating someone very seriously immediately before we started dating, that he was not over her when we started dating, and in fact had tried to get back together with her nearly 3 months after we started dating (she said no).
Also, he had a female “friend” (the former best friend of the aforementioned serious girlfriend) who he spent an inordinate amount of time with (and actually lied to me about sleeping at her house) but insisted there was nothing going on with her.
It made me uneasy but he continued to …
Hey Evan! I’m dealing with an issue that I can’t find explicitly addressed on one of your old posts, so I thought I’d write and see if you can help. I am 38, and divorced three years. I am looking for a relationship, but perfectly happy with my life in the meantime.
I’ve been seeing a man (40) over the past month. He is very attentive, a great listener, and has put in all the effort of someone who is boyfriend material. He calls, plans dates in advance, and is genuinely interested in me. His kids are the same age as mine and we have great conversations and a lot in common. I enjoy his company and can see this continuing into a relationship, as he has told me he doesn’t want to date anyone else.
However, the reason he is single is that he cheated on his ex-wife. They have been legally separated for a little over a year, and are working on finalizing their divorce. He told me on our third date, and was very upfront about it. He said that they married young, had grown apart, and their relationship hadn’t met his needs for a long time. He had an affair with a woman that he knew (I don’t know from where) with the intention of continuing to see her.
He told his ex, they went to counseling for one session, and then decided to separate. The woman with whom he had an affair didn’t want to continue seeing him, so he’s been single for the duration of his separation. He doesn’t intend to cheat again, but also doesn’t appear to regret it. He seems surprised that people are bothered by it, like how the “couple” friends he had with his ex no longer want to …
Certain themes come up frequently around here and this is one of them.
What IS cheating? Where do you draw the line? Is it purely physical? Is it emotional? Can you be a cheater just for thinking about someone but never acting on it?
Many debate this but I don’t think it’s much of a debate.
Cheating is based on intention and interaction.
- Talking with a woman at a party. Not cheating.
- Asking for that same woman’s number? Cheating.
- Watching online porn. Not cheating.
- Communicating with a woman via live webcam. Cheating.
- Having lunch with your ex. Not cheating.
- Having sex with your ex. Cheating.
- Liking an Instagram model’s photo. Not cheating.
- Direct messaging the same Instagram model to sit on your face. Cheating.
There’s really not that much grey area, people.
That said, I’m only one man and reasonable people can disagree. Author Ty Tashiro is one of them: “Though micro-cheating does not involve physical contact with someone outside the committed relationship, it’s important to avoid the temptation to overemphasize the ‘micro’ part of the phrase and remember that ‘cheating’ is the operative word,” he says. “When one betrays a partner’s trust there are always emotional consequences for the partner’s well-being and the integrity of the relationship.”
That brings us back to what part is actually betraying a partner’s trust. To me, it requires the aforementioned action and intention – followed by lying about it.
“After all, solid relationships are based on trust– and micro-cheating isn’t exactly a trustworthy behavior if you’re keeping your interactions on the downlow “What is lost on many people who cheat is that their interpretation or rationalization of the cheating behavior does not matter, it’s the interpretation of their partner and their partner’s feelings that matter,” says Tashiro. “There’s an old …
I am a married woman who has husband and a son. I have recently got in touch with my first ex. Well, technically we never met. I met him 20 years ago and for some reason we didn’t meet up and it has always been a void in my heart.
Recently we got in touch again, exchanging photos and started to have conversation. And the connection just got deeper and deeper. He is married with kids as well.
He talked about meeting up and I know it is a wrong thing to do. I tried two times to tell him we cannot meet and we should talk less. But somehow, we couldn’t resist talking to each other.
So my heart is torn. One part of me wants to meet him and see if there is attraction between us. Another part of me knows this is a very bad thing to do and I ought to stop.
I tried to work with my husband by communicating more. we even tried some complaint- free exercise with each other. But I still feel there is a distance or wall between us. My husband is a very loving dad, but he cares his son the most and sometimes I feel very lonely since we do not talk much.
He is also an alcoholic who needs his wine every night. I tried to persuade him to drink less and maybe we could go on a date. We haven’t had any intimacy for 2 years (ever since my son was born). Once we tried to make a date night and have sex, but I didn’t feel anything and I cried afterwards.
Please Evan, what should I do?
There’s so much wrong with this email that I’m not …